For the Birds

How to Attach a Birdfeeder in 47 Easy Steps


My neighbor, Vern, built me a birdfeeder in about five minutes flat. He’s 65, been doing it for years, has all the proper tools and most of his fingers, etc. Naturally, I figured I could attach the feeder to the post I already had in approximately three to four times it would take Vern. After all, I do watch Home & Garden TV. A LOT.

Of course, those shows are heavily edited. So in the interest of full disclosure, let me tell you what it took for me to attach my new birdfeeder (which is just lovely, by the way, thank you Vern) to my post.

1. Gather up the proper tools. I chose my Rubbermaid stepstool, a screwdriver, the power drill, some drill bits and some screws.
2. Place birdfeeder on crossbeam of post.
3. Discover that feeder will not fit on crossbeam unless two inches are removed from each end. Curse quietly.
4. Go to shed to get saw.
5. Go to house to get keys to shed.
6. Open shed, get saw, saw off crossbeam, place birdfeeder on crossbeam of post.
7. Insert appropriately-sized drill bit into drill.
8. Press button, observe nothing happening. Curse slightly more loudly, hoping neighbors aren’t within earshot, especially the pastor who lives on other side of creek.
9. Return all supplies to shed in case of rain, plug drill battery into wall and wait 24 hours for it to charge.
10. Repeats steps 1, 2, and 7. Notice drill dying after three slow rotations.
11. Call neighbor and ask to borrow her drill. Walk to her house to get it. Have cookie while there. Leave before she notices cookie missing from cooling rack.
12. Fumble with her drill trying to insert bit, which does not work like mine. Give up on that and decide the wood is soft and you can just use the screwdriver function.
13. Insert first screw in base of birdfeeder. Observe that you cannot get drill under roof of birdfeeder. Curse loudly, hoping neighbors hear and avoid home projects of your own.
14. Screw screw in by hand.
15. Strip screw.
16. Go to kitchen for a wine cooler. Notice nice buzz and be grateful.
17. Get hammer, some nails, and reading glasses so you can actually see what you’re doing out there.
18. Stop working on stripped screw and try another, this time from the outside in. Realize that the one screwdriver attachment to neighbor’s drill is too small to work with the large screw you are using. Add new words to your vocabulary of profanity. Wonder if you could get a gig on Comedy Central now that you are working dirty.
19. Pull out screwdriver and attempt to screw in by hand, despite brace on right wrist. Hope orthopedist can’t tell from x-rays what you’ve been up to.
20. Strip second screw.
21. Notice that these screws (unsure whether they’re “wood” screws or “metal” screws as all screws are made of metal and this terms don’t actually make sense) have a hexagonal head.
22. Get brilliant idea.
23. Go into garage for those thingies that fit over hexagonal-headed things.
24. Return to project. After eight attempts, place appropriately-sized hexagonal headed thingy (HHT) over hexagonal-headed screw (HHS).
25. Start screwing. It works, by jove!
26. Get so excited, HHT flies out of hands into bushes.
27. Shout new Russian and Sanskrit curse words you didn’t know you knew.
29. Search for HHT in bushes, being careful not to step in nearby dog poop.
30. Find stick to remove unseen dog poop from bottom of shoe.
31. Find HHT while searching for stick.
32. Finish screwing in two screws and put in four more.
33. Notice that post is wobbly and it seems to be coming from the base.
34. Check it out. Find that concrete has chipped away and no longer holds post firmly.
35. Go to shed and get concrete, pour some in the hole, add water from hose and mix with poop-removing stick.
36. Let set overnight.
37 Return next morning to check to see if concrete has set; remarkably, it has. Notice neighbor’s drill bit attachment imbedded in concrete.
38. Chip it out with hammer and left over screw.
39. Notice there’s still a wobble.
40. Go to garage for really long nails (perhaps this is where the band, Nine Inch Nails, got its name.)
41. Hammer nails in to post randomly in an attempt to stop wobbling, operating on the “It couldn’t hurt” principle.
42. Declare your project completed.
43. Return all tools to their various spots.
44. Apologize to neighbor for dents in her drill bit attachment and missing cookie. Also for cursing.
45. Return home and have a victory drink.
46. Look out window and notice bird feeder is at a 20 degree angle.
47. Fix problem by tilting head correspondingly and drinking heavily.