Won't You Be My Caveman

Have you heard about the new Caveman diet and exercise program? Probably not. After all, how would you? These are cavemen -- they don't blog or tweet. They rely on drawing pictures on the walls of their apartment in black Magic Marker to get the word out. It's a crude form of marketing, but in a few million years, everybody will be on the program.

I spend time deciphering wall scribbles and know that there is a group of men who have decided the best way to stay in shape is to go back to their Neanderthal roots (which, by the way, is my hair color two months after a trip to the beauty shop). The Caveman diet consists of meat, nuts, berries and other things they can scavenge without having to cook it themselves. Have you recently had a box of donuts go missing before a big meeting at work? Check for the heavy footprints of a homo-erectus outside the break room.

I can understand the logic in avoiding processed foods and eating closer to the source, but if the new cavemen are going to reap the true benefits of this diet, they're going to have to hunt and gather all their own food -- and do so without the aid of four-wheel drive vehicles, gunpowder, GPS systems, and FishFinders. This task may prove a little difficult for urban-dwelling hunter-gatherers, who will have to rely on a diet of rats and whatever they can dig out of the trash. And of course, everything will have to be eaten raw. That whole wheel and fire not having yet been invented can be a bummer

My favorite part of the program, however, is not the diet, but the exercise plan. Because today's cavemen aren't actually chasing woolly mammoths through parking garages, they need to find other ways to get their hearts pumping and their muscles toned. But they can't go to a gym because the original cavemen never hung around together pumping iron and drinking sweat-flavored water. No, the new caveman exercise program consists of squatting behind bushes and leaping out. This is known in some parts of the country as "a punishable crime," but that just adds to the adrenaline rush. The guys get their strength training tossing occasional boulders at each other and grunting -- because dragging women around by their hair has not yet been officially sanctioned by the group.

To me, there is are two benefits of this diet and exercise program. First, these guys won't find mates with whom to reproduce. And second, because when we women see men digging through the garbage for pastrami or squatting in the shrubbery, we'll run for our lives. Which may be just the exercise program that works best for us.