Happy Global Whatever

Well, the holidays are officially here. Although WHAT HOLIDAYS is not as clear now as when I was, say, eleven. Back then I assumed everyone except my two Jewish friends had a Christmas tree, a nativity scene on the mantel, and a crazy uncle who got liquored up and rearranged the lawn reindeer into sexually-suggestive poses.

Things are way more complicated these days. And I don’t just mean because parents can’t decorate the house with spun glass angel hair like my dad used to, at least not without Child Protective Services getting a phone call. You can still buy the stuff on eBay and it doesn’t even come with the usual warning: “Touching this decoration will leave you with shards of glass in your fingers for years and may result in one or more trips to the Emergency Room before the holidays are over.”

Now that we’re in the 21st century (at least most of us are), we’ve become more aware that there are other winter holidays beside Christmas and there are many people who don’t celebrate anything in particular during the entire month of December, except maybe Jimmy Buffet’s birthday (December 25). These people have been here all along, it’s just that we couldn’t see them from our tiny little universe in Abilene, Texas or Mistletoe, Maine or Christmas Valley, OR. Maybe we weren’t looking hard enough.

It’s hard to be unaware of the rest of the world these days, however. Part of this is because the Internet has connected us with people outside our hometown, something I’d have given my sister’s collection of Monkees records for back when I was young. Not to mention that in the past decade many American jobs have been shipped overseas and we’ve taken to playing a kind of Where’s Waldo game, trying to find the exact location of our former paychecks. And when we call customer service to try to figure out why the gas company charged us $8713 to heat our house last month, our phone call often ends up being an exercise in international diplomacy.

You (joking): Even my brother the arsonist doesn’t spend that much money on gas.

Them: Excusing me. What is this “arsonist?” Is new American pop star?

Yup, it’s a global world now. Always has been, unless you’re a member of the Flat Earth Society. To you, it’s more of a large map world. Which must be a struggle, seeing how hard to is to get the thing folded up at night.

Now when it comes to holidays, even our children realize the winter holidays include Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Diwali, Winter Solstice, and Ramadan. These days, I’m a spiritual but not a religious person (this phrase drives my religious friends nuts. To them, it’s like saying I’m a woman, but not a female). But I’m totally okay with celebrating anything. If you believe it and you want to invite me to your party, I’ll be there. I’ll kiss under the mistletoe, light candles or diyas, spin a dreidel, exchange presents, pretend to believe in a jolly fat man who can find anyone’s house anywhere without stopping and asking for directions, wear a Uwole, dance around a fire, or abstain from sex – all of which are part of the traditions many people around the world honor. The only thing I won’t do is fast. Not with so much gingerbread and eggnog around every corner.

Some people think that by honoring many celebrations, I and my fellow co-conspirators have declared “War on Christmas.” Really, nothing can be further from the truth. I have a Christmas tree at my house. Of course, I may have it up to protect from witches, ghosts, and evil spirits, as many ancient pre-Christian societies did – that’s for me to know and you to find out. Besides, I’m from German stock (kind of like chicken stock, only with a beer chaser) and we Germans started the tradition of cutting down perfectly healthy trees and bringing them indoors where we could dust them. So I feel compelled not to let my people down this time of year. Of course, mine’s a tiny little fake tree with lights permanently attached, so it probably doesn’t count.

I’m writing this column to ask everyone to try to play nice this holiday season. Just because someone wishes you the wrong holiday or says something stupid like “Have a nice day” instead, please just have another swig of nog or a Jimmy Buffet-inspired margarita egg nog and assume they meant well.