A Vampire Holiday

Vampires have been a huge hit this past year. I'm sure that if preteen and teenage girls were polled, the latest flock of the undead would certainly outrank Santa in popularity. Because while Santa may bring gifts once a year, vampires are hunky and to die for, OMG!!!!

All of this leads me to the logical conclusion that somewhere in the country there must be a mall vampire who has usurped the usual spot of the jolly Kris Kringle. Look, right past Sears near the holiday graveyard with the festive fog and toe-tapping screams... yep, it's him, it's Edward Cullen. (If that name doesn't sound familiar to you, ask any twelve-year-old who he is, or substitute "Dracula.")

The line of 12-20-somethings who have waited in the cold since 4 a.m. snakes through the red and green headstones, while vampire's little helpers dressed in in black and red pass out cinnamon-flavored dental floss. Because dental hygiene is a must when you make a living with your teeth. Finally, the first girl runs past the velvet rope and hurls herself into Edward's lap.

Edward: Happy holidays. Have you been a good little girl?

Preteen: I can be as good or as bad as you want me to be.

Edward: Uh, let's start over. What do you want for the holidays, young girl?

Preteen: I'm not as young as I look. And I want you to suck my blood.

Edward: I'm sorry, I can't do that. My contract specifically prohibits breaking skin. I could catch Swine Flu. And while there may not be many things that can kill a vampire, the CDC hasn't determined yet if that's on the list.

Preteen: Okay, how about a hickey? Your assistant can take a picture and it will look just like you're sucking my blood. Plus, I can show the bruises to all my BFFs on Facebook.

Edward: No can do. Nothing involving my mouth and your neck. I can sneak up behind you quietly and then turn into a bat and fly away.

Preteen: That's pretty lame. Who wants their picture with a bat? That's the one part I don't like about vampires. It would be better if you turned into a koala bear or something cuddly like that.

Edward: Look, you're going to have to make up your mind here, there are hundreds more just like you in line. Wouldn't you like something else like a karaoke machine or Global Warming Barbie?

Preteen: (sulking like only a preteen girl can do} Forget it! I'm going to go to JC Penney's. I hear they have a holiday werewolf.