I Need a Drink

The aughties, as some are calling them, were fast times. We had to be able to search for an iPhone app while reading our GPS device and text-messaging the pizza parlor to make sure they used real cheese, not that fake stuff... and we had to do all of that while driving in rush hour traffic on the way to our court-appointed anger management class. Is it any wonder that as the decade closed, we heaved not so much a sigh of relief, as one of exhaustion. Especially those of us over forty who shouldn't have been up at the stroke of midnight.

The energy drink market sprang into action starting at the turn of the new millenium to help us get up for our daily demands -- kind of like Viagra for our entire body. Red Bull, Jolt, Monster, Rockstar, and 5-Hour Energy Drink all arrived on the scene, vowing to give us the buzz we'd need just to make it through our 20-hour days. Beverages went from something to quench our thirst to something that would ignite our mind, invigorate our body, provide more stamina, and help us feel less sucky.

Then the economy started feeling sucky (apparently, it wasn't drinking enough sugar) and we were all hyped up with nowhere to go. No point in feeling up all the time when you're curled up in the fetal position lamenting the loss of your livelihood.

Naturally, the beverage industry took notice and now a whole slew of drinks designed to help us chillax and mellow out are now hitting the market, uh, not running because that would require energy. They're lumbering towards the shelves, taking their own sweet time. One even promises a vacation in a bottle, apparently because most Americans can no longer afford to take one in a car or plane.

These drinks, with names such as Slow Cow, Ex Chill, and Relax contain melatonin, valerian, rose hips, and dander of the three-toed sloth. Okay, maybe not so much the latter, but there's a creature that seems none-too-rushed. In my opinion, the names need some work to stand out in a sea of liquid -- how about Mellow Yellow, Dude Where's My Stress?, and Can o'Bliss. (Please tell me you go that last reference... if not, sound it out. It's okay, I'll wait.)

I can't wait to see what other moods we'll want our drinks to provide in the future. As a menopausal woman, I think there would be a great market for estrogen-laced beverages that minimize hot flashes while leveling out mood swings and enhancing libido. We could call it Cougar Cola.